CrossCurrents A Catholic Reflects on Faith in Our Times

Bernard F. Swain, Ph.D. www.CrossCurrents.us

The Truth about Toby

He is only a little boy, barely four and a half years old. But his story is a big challenge to all of us.

The well-being of children continues to be an urgent challenge for American Catholics, who are concerned about their Church’s recent track record. This boy’s story cranks those concerns up another notch.

I learned the story of little Toby from a pastor I work with. This good priest has become close to both the boy and his parents and he’s upset and angered by the latest news out of Boston.

The Vatican has objected because, 13 times in the last 20 years, Catholic Charities of Boston has placed a child for adoption with gay parents. The Vatican wants this practice to stop. Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney says he has no authority to grant a waiver from the state law that prohibits excluding such couples. So Catholic Charities has decided to shut down their adoption services.

Appalled by this prospect, eight members of the Catholic Charities board had already resigned the week before, after the Board’s unanimous appeal for “a good leaving alone” to continue current operations was rejected by Archbishop Sean O’Malley.

The principle behind the Vatican's move is clear. The Church’s official position is that, while it is not wrong to be homosexual, such people suffer an “objective disorder.” Many in the hierarchy believe it’s therefore wrong for children to live with gay parents. They fear such parents are a bad influence, may promote homosexuality among such children, may cause them “moral violence.” In short, they regard a household with gay parents as an unhealthy environment; they see such people as unfit parents.

The Vatican position is logical enough – but is it true to life? Does it describe the truth, or some abstract fiction?

My pastor friend clearly believes it is a mindless fiction. For him, the truth lies, not in the Vatican’s tortured logic, but in his real-world experience with this little boy and the two devout Catholic women who adopted “Toby” (not his real name) eighteen months ago.

At the time, Toby was just turning three years old, and had been shuffled through eleven foster homes in the previous eighteen months. Born into a “systematically abusive” family to an unfit mother who herself was battered and abused by her own parents and brothers, Toby was removed to his father’s care at the age of four months. But after more than a year of the fathers mistreatment and neglect, Toby was again removed and entered a “system” that moved him from one foster household to another.

By the age of three, he was the kind of severely traumatized child that no one wants to care for—one of 6000 parent-less children in Massachusetts, of whom 700 are legally free for adoption.

Into this love-vacuum stepped two women. Had they not come forward, Toby would likely have remained in the “system” until, at 17, he’d have been turned out on his own, damaged goods with no family or means of support. For many such kids, the likeliest future is jail (at best) or an early death (at worst).

But these two women did come forward when no one else would, and they adopted Toby despite his emotional baggage, and began a healing process that is still unfinished.

At first, Toby knew only one mode of human interaction: attack. He would kick, bite, scratch, and hit, often leaving both adoptive mothers with bruises and bloody sores. Eight weeks of professional training by the Department of Social Services could not fully prepare these women for the challenge, and the piles of child development books they read barely touched on the needs of such an atypical, traumatized child. Yet they persevered to mother him in a process they now described as “sometimes wonderful, but never easy.”

Almost like a severely depressed adult, Toby would avoid leaving his bed even when he lay awake for hours. When his “night terrors” brought his mothers racing to his room in response to his screams, he would only grow more hysterical if they approached his bedside. So they resorted to sitting outside his door and reciting the rosary. Today, at an age when many kids still don’t know what prayer is, Toby can say the Hail Mary by heart. Yet he still needs to be held and rocked like a baby, for he is still making up for his time lost during infancy.

The horrors in Toby’s past remain mostly a mystery: he was too young to tell or even remember what was done to him. But clues surface randomly, like the day that moving the TV meant buying an extension cable. When one mother took it from its box, Toby look at the cable, then it both of them, and asked fearfully: “Nobody’s gonna hurt me with that, are they?” And when one mother accidentally cut herself at work, Toby spotted the wound and asked, “Who hurt you?”

After eighteen months of loving care, Toby has come a long way. He’s learned to take stay put in a “time out” chair if he misbehaves, he now handles “no” with complaints instead of kicks, he shows all the “I want my own way” instincts of a normal four-year-old boy, instead of the physical hysterics of an abused animal.

Tony and his mothers continue to see a therapist at Boston’s Children’s Hospital twice a month, and they are now preparing Toby to be baptized. Toby has become great friends with their pastor, insists on holding hands for grace before meals, and sometimes agrees to drink his milk only after lifting up with both hands “like Father does.” His mothers are grateful that the priest has brought a healthy male role model into Toby’s life.

When one of Toby’s mothers heard the Catholic Charities story on NPR coming home from work, she was filled with rage and grief. When she heard the Vatican quoted saying gay parents might do their children “moral violence,” she sat in her car and cried.

The practical effect of the Vatican’s action is to put Catholic Charities out of the adoption business. But the logic of their actions goes even further. For the hierarchy claims that its position and actions are in the best interest of children. It says that Toby would be better off back in the foster care “system” than living with these two women. Better off in a system that nearly ruined his life before it even got started. Better off with no family than with this family. Better off with no parents rather than these parents – these two gay Catholic women praying the rosary over him when others only beat.

Does anyone really believe a child like Toby would be better off in foster care? Does anyone really believe that 700 children now free to be adopted will be better off if they are left where they are now, with no family and no parents? Does anyone believe this is what wisdom looks like? What is going on up there?

The trouble is, even the best, most well-intentioned policies fail to be wisely applied unless they are governed by another virtue: Prudence.

Next Time: Prudence and Policy.

© Bernard F. Swain PhD 2006

Send Your Comments and Questions to bfswain@juno.com

Dr. Swain’s opinions do not represent the views of this parish or any other official body.

Bernie Swain has devoted more than 30 years to adult spiritual formation in dioceses in the US, Canada, and France. Since 1991 he has maintained a private practice as trainer, teacher, and consultant to leaders in parishes and other religious organizations. He holds degrees in theology and political science from Holy Cross, Harvard, The University of Paris, and The University of Chicago.

His writings include Liberating Leadership (Harper & Row, 1986) and more than 200 articles in periodicals such as The National Catholic Reporter, Commonweal, The Miami Herald, The Catholic Free Press, The Pilot, Harvard Theological Review, and Liturgy.

A lifelong layperson, he lives in Boston with his wife and three children. Visit his website at:

http://www.CrossCurrents.us

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