CrossCurrents A Catholic Reflects on Faith in Our Times

Bernard F. Swain, Ph.D. www.CrossCurrents.us

Locking the Closet

Hal is a figment of my imagination, but his predicament is not. The hell he is going through is shared by many other real men throughout the Church. And since they are our brothers in Christ, we should at least give their situation a bit of our reflection.

Hal grew up in a large devout Catholic family with many aunts and uncles and strong ties to the “old country.” His whole family was active in parish life, so Hal’s childhood revolved around parochial school and altar serving and CYO sports.

Once Hal went off to the local Jesuit high school, he discovered two things about himself. First, he realized that he took both faith and Church much more seriously than the majority of his classmates. Second, he realized he was gay.

He knew the official teaching of the Church: it is not wrong to be homosexual, as long as you don’t practice your homosexuality. After much soul-searching, he decided he could live with that.

But as time went on, his life became more and more difficult. Most of his classmates were dating, and many were sexually active. And once he finished high school, and some of his classmates were getting married, his family began wondering why he wasn’t dating. His parents and siblings tried to be discreet, but some of his aunts or uncles were pretty outspoken. After he had a job and money, an uncle might try joking, something like this: “Fancy red car, and not a single girlfriend?” Or an aunt would put it bluntly: “Hal, when’re you gonna meet some nice girl and settle down?” Some of his mother’s friends even tried to fix him up with their daughters.

Between peer pressure and family pressure, Hal realized finally, he would never succeed in a celibate life all by himself. He had heard of some gay men who married and had families just to stop the pressure and placate others, but to Hal that option seem dishonest and self-destructive. He needed to find a way to get people to accept his single state as a permanent fact, once and for all. But he also needed to find a place where he’d be supported and encouraged in his struggle to stay celibate. But how could he accomplish either of those things?

Then one day he bumped into his old Jesuit history teacher from high school, and over coffee the man asked him if he had ever thought of the priesthood.

Hal even surprised himself by saying, “No, I honestly have never thought of it.” But over the next week the idea struck a chord in him. He had always loved the Church, been active in the Church, and looked to the Church to support his faith. So why not serve the Church fulltime?

And once his mind was on the subject, the benefits were obvious. His parents would be proud, his aunts and uncles would shut up, everyone would breathe a sigh of relief that Hal had found the right path. Not only that, but he would be joining a brotherhood of men who were all committed to celibacy, just like him – even if they had different reasons. Surely the seminary program, and even the priestly life after ordination, would make living a celibate life more realistic, more meaningful – a sacrifice with a purpose.

And so, about a year later, Hal entered the seminary. Now, twenty years later, he knows it was the best decision he ever made. He loves his work and his people, and they love him. His preaching draws in many people who otherwise would stop coming to church, and his personal manner with engaged couples and grieving parishioners and young parents convince many of them to keep the Catholic Church an active ingredient in their lives. Moreover his struggle for celibacy, though still a genuine sacrifice, has turned out to be one of his life’s sweetest victories, thanks to the support of his fellow priests and the consolation his work brings him every day.

But now Hal has a new problem. His nephew has just graduated from a Catholic college in May, and seems undecided about his future. The family talk reminds him of his own situation twenty years before, and he is quite sure his nephew is, like himself, gay.

The more Hal thinks about it, the more it seems priesthood would be his nephew’s best option – except for one thing: the word from Rome is that the Vatican is about to ban gays from entering the priesthood.

Hal knows many gay priests are frightened that the hierarchy will scapegoat them for the sex-abuse scandal, and deep down he himself dreads the possibility of being drummed out of priestly life.

But his immediate concern is for his nephew. The priesthood seems perfect for him. In fact, it seems like the only place in the Church his nephew could be happy and follow the church’s teachings.

Hal has known since adolescence that he could never “come out” and be openly gay and still be accepted and respected in his family. The priesthood has offered him more than a meaningful vocation –it has also provided a safe and supportive place for him to be both gay and celibate within the Church. It has made his sexual identity a “non-problem.” In a word, the priesthood had been his closet as well as his vocation.

But if the Vatican now locks that closet, what would his nephew do? If the hierarchy bans gay Catholics from the one place in the Church that is safe and supportive for a celibate gay Catholic, what would happen to his nephew’s family life? To his sex life? To his faith?

Hal has already been shocked and shamed by the sex- abuse scandal, but now he feels himself getting angry. If the Church’s past teaching restricted gays to a celibate life, and if the Church also created a celibate priesthood so that priests would devote their lives to ministry without personal domestic responsibilities—how could that same Church now deny access to celibate priestly life to the very men who need it most?

Hal knows his priestly vocation is real, and he suspects his nephew’s is too. If God has been calling them both to serve as priests, and the Church was also calling them to live a celibate life, how could the hierarchy now cut them off from these callings?

Now every day Hal awakes afraid the morning news will confirm his fear that the Church’s own closet has been locked. Then his nephew, and other Catholics like him, will be locked out.

So now, for the first time in twenty years, Hal is beginning to wonder if he should continue to devote his heart and soul to a Church capable of betraying him and his calling. He knows he is a good priest, and a priest of integrity, and he knows his Church has a shortage of good priests. If he and others like him leave, the Church will be poorer for it—and the Body of Christ will suffer.

Hal is a Figment of my imagination, but his predicament is not.

© Bernard F. Swain PhD 2005

Send Your Comments and Questions to bfswain@juno.com

Dr. Swain’s opinions do not represent the views of this parish or any other official body.

Bernie Swain has devoted more than 30 years to adult spiritual formation in dioceses in the US, Canada, and France. Since 1991 he has maintained a private practice as trainer, teacher, and consultant to leaders in parishes and other religious organizations. He holds degrees in theology and political science from Holy Cross, Harvard, The University of Paris, and The University of Chicago.

His writings include Liberating Leadership (Harper & Row, 1986) and more than 200 articles in periodicals such as The National Catholic Reporter, Commonweal, The Miami Herald, The Catholic Free Press, The Pilot, Harvard Theological Review, and Liturgy.

A lifelong layperson, he lives in Boston with his wife and three children. Visit his website at:

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